Kindergarten Cop 2 – Review (*)

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Yet another inexplicable, belated sequel that bears little resemblance to the original beyond the base template of a premise and several desperate callbacks, a Dolph Lundgren-led straight-to-video Kindergarten Cop sequel more than 25 years after the fact is as inane and pointless as you expect.

Agent Reed (Dolph Lundgren) is forced to go undercover as a teacher at a fancy liberal school in order to retrieve a flash drive containing vital information. Naturally, he ends up biting off more than he can chew.

It’s tough to ascertain exactly what this movie’s most heinous crime is; is it the soul-destroyingly dull direction from Don Michael Paul (who has made a career out of helming needless sequels to the likes of Lake Placid, Jarhead, Sniper and Tremors), David H. Steinberg’s aggressively inane and banal script, the fact that none of the actors can force themselves to care, or the fleet of fairly irritating child characters thrown in on top?

This is movie as commodity, pure and simple, hoping to wring a few bucks out of those nostalgic for the original who apparently can’t see the writing on the wall. It’ll be in petrol station bargain bins before you know it (if it isn’t already), but is it at least forgettable enough that its badness won’t take up valuable capacity in your brain.

That’s it; the film is more boring and pointless than aggressively bad. Sure, you’ll probably start laughing hysterically at the absurd amount of Twix product placement pigeonholed into the thing, and its critique of liberalism run amok is vaguely amusing, but that’s the most temporary relief from a stamina-draining movie that doesn’t even have the decency to be sub-90 minutes in length.

Lundgren will survive this one like he has so many other stinkers – “survive” of course having a wide definition here – but really, can we just get The Expendables 4 already?

*

Kindergarten Cop 2 is available now on DVD

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